On the other side of the fence?

I think every person must wonder if they are doing what they were intended? This can mean a lot of things, but what jumps to mind is the phrase 'find myself.' You know, like when high school graduates don't go straight to college, the backpack through Europe or take a year off. This isn't exactly what is bothering me right now. I took my daughter to third grade orientation tonight. I knew in advance who her teacher was, but was still unprepared for the emotions that hit me when I walked in. You see, the teacher she has this year was my enrichment (or gifted) teacher from the time I was in fourth grade. She was one of those teachers that affected me, and meant a lot to me and even though we live in a rural area, I haven't seen her for years. I cannot name the emotions that flooded my heart. Relief that I was leaving my daughter in the hands of someone I trusted. Excitement that she remembered me. Pride as I introduced her to my other two children. But there was another feeling hidden deep down. Was it embarrassment? Resentment? Regret? This woman has an idea of the intellectual abilities I had in school. Does she look down at me because I am not working? She said nothing of the sort. She did know that I lived in the same area I grew up in and that I was not working anymore. Not once did she question where I did work or what I might plan on doing in the future. So why do I feel as if I have let her down? Why do I feel almost ashamed for not working and raising my children? The grass seemed greener on the other side, but is it turning brown now?

Mama said there would be days like this.......but not like that

We all know when we have kids that we will have days we are just dog tired from being up most of the night, the laundry will never end, changing poopy diapers in the middle of the mall will become second nature, and doing the 'carseat dance' is something designated to the daddies.Some of us even have memories of our own childhood when we knew we were impossible to love or can recall siblings hurting our parents to the point of tears by their wreck less behavior. Why is it that I feel so alone when I am in one of those parenting situations? When my son is crying in the shower, screaming for a dry washcloth and I am already soaked to my shoulder from reaching in to direct him in washing his hair. When I tell my daughter she cannot have her favorite stuffed animal at night because she disobeyed. When all I want to do is grab my child and cry with them and cuddle them to sleep, but I can't because I want to teach them right from wrong. I will admit, sometimes the punishments hurt me just as much or more than it affects them. Like when I take away the TV. Sounds great in theory, but when I need half an hour to finish supper without three kids swarming the kitchen, it just makes sense to turn on the TV. Or how about the impulsive "I am not taking you anywhere while you act like that!" This statement is why we don't have any bread in the house today. The kids don't care-they will eat chicken and star soup or buttered noodles, but nothing starts a craving like a grocery list. These are situations that I'm pretty sure most of us have experienced, but very few of us talk about. I put my son to bed early tonight, the whole time he was crying and asking for dessert and a movie, to play a board game, anything to grab at the possibility that he would get to stay up. I managed to stay calm and get him through the shower, into pajamas and physically had to brush his teeth for him. He is in bed now, and I am exhausted. It's not the end of the story, I still have his two sisters to get into bed by myself, all the while praying for guidance and thankful for a clean slate by morning. That's something  else no one brings up in parenting conversations. Our kids will completely forgive us for what happened today, fall into a gentle sleep where they look so peaceful and wonderful, and start tomorrow over as if today was the perfect day. As I make my rounds tonight from one room to the next, covering them and kissing them goodnight again, I will vow to make tomorrow better, knowing that better may only last until breakfast.