It is so unnatural.
What kind of mother takes children into her home, nurses them when they are sick, hugs them when they are screaming out in frustration, covers them in kisses every night at bedtime and does all this while knowing that no matter how hard she tries to keep them safe, the phone could ring at any second with the news that she will be losing them? She then has to keep herself together enough to tell her husband, her biological children and any other foster children that will be staying. Then she has to walk over to the children she has had in her home for 22 months. The little girls who wore matching Christmas and Easter dresses with her own children. The kindergartener who came to her with a binky in her mouth and teeth rotted to the gum. The 2 year old that she first held as an infant who screamed for 5 months straight. She nearly wore paths in the floor trying to calm her. Every moment that felt impossible for the last two years has disappeared and this moment is the one that will haunt her. She has to say "Goodbye."
This is what haunts me. The memories flood to me at random moments. Stealing my happiness and plunging my heart into a longing that will never be fulfilled. I want them back. I want my daughters home with me.
This is the view down my driveway. Gorgeous, isn't it? The tree on the right is a shagbark hickory tree. I love it. God gives us true beauty all around. You probably can't imagine what happens to me when I look down this driveway. I hear the screams. The absolute blood curdling screams of my two babies.
"Mommy, I don't want to go!"
"Mommy come with me!"
"Mooooooooommmmmmyyyyy!!!!!!
God gives me the strength to go on every day with these memories. I am slowly able to think more about the good times we had as a family. I can put their pictures on the wall. I want more children. I still want those girls back, but I feel my family is not complete yet. Their path did not lead them to stay with us permanently, but I truly believe God has a plan.
If you are a foster parent who has lost children that you still count as yours, please find someone to talk to about it. A pastor, a fellow foster parent, a trusted friend. This grief is real. Talking will not make it go away. Many things may trigger a bad day. Don't feel guilty. Missing children and wanting more when you already have a beautiful family is a natural thing if you feel God has called you to this point. If I could get pregnant again, I would, but that doesn't have to mean my family is done. My husband says he wants to be like the Bullochs on the Bulloch Family Ranch, taking in children and then helping them survive out in the real world, but helping them if the need to come back. I'm all for that in the future, but right now, I still want littles. Little ones to keep. And then the guilt kicks in. As I pray for our future children, I know that that means those children will have gone through something horrific in order to land with us.
The little boy that left us 7 weeks ago for his adoptive family has a fabulous new mom, but when he called me by my name instead of "Mom" it still felt like a knife in my chest. Yet, I still want to continue to foster these kids that need us. Without us, he would have ended up in a group home. Instead, he is in a great family, and our family has expanded by our joint effort to help him succeed. Fostering is not for everyone, but you don't have to be strong to do it. You DO need God, though. It is by His strength that we can do this. That doesn't mean it's easy, but it's possible. I pray that part of the plan is for our family to adopt, but we will have to wait and see. Patience is not a virtue that comes naturally to me.
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me
Philippians 4:13
No comments:
Post a Comment