I miss him

I recently had an 'interaction' on Facebook about a post that I shared. The details of the comments are best left for another entry, but it did help me to realize how judgemental I am. I am constantly thinking to myself critical thoughts about how other moms dress their children, the way most people drive, how cranky some people can be. Most of my (best left) silent critique has to do with parents or children, but I am not naive enough to think that I am not the recipient as well as the distributor of these thoughts. In fact, I'm quite sure I probably received some scolding glances and unfriendly words whispered into the ears of others. For instance, I was talking on my cell phone during my son's Little League game last night. I had no important business matters to discuss as I am just a stay-at-home mom (I am working on a new term, for the mom who is hardly ever home). First I spent a few minutes messaging back and forth during the second inning. I'm sure if I was on the other side, I would be thinking "Seriously, she can't wait a few minutes to send that message?" And then, when my phone rang and I actually answered it during the game, I'm quite sure I felt the hot glares and saw eyes roll. I jabbered on while periodically taking headcount of the girls and yelling "Way to go, Bubba!" When he got a base hit or threw to the cutoff man (or boy, rather). Thankfully I was along the fence in the outfield and not in the stands or near the dugout. This was not just a chat with one of my friends. You see, this was a phone call from my brother. Now, you may think, "so what? Call him back." And, I might counter with the fact that he's my only sibling. Another bit of information that may make my actions seem a little less rude or selfish would be that it has been a decent amount of time since I've heard my brother's voice. Of course, some may counter that I can message him, email him, or text him. All true and valid points. I would like to point out that if anyone had been close enough to hear my conversation, they might have also the glint of tears in my eyes. You see, it did hurt me to take that call during my son's Little League game, but I was also hearing the voice of my nephew I've never met. I was standing next to my mother and having a conversation with her only son and this is as close as she has had to having her family together in 3 1/2 years. My brother is in the Air Force and lives in Guam. His time zone is such that he is 14 hours ahead of us, so as we are having supper, he is going to work for the day. It does make it difficult to find time for phone calls. My brother called me to find out how my son is doing at his game, and to fit in a lot of information in a little time. He will be going to Korea soon and we don't know how difficult it will be for him to contact us from there. I know I look uncaring as I stand at the baseball fields on a sunny spring evening with my cell phone up to my ear. The truth is this: I miss my brother. I miss him in a way that hurts physically. I miss him so much that I am angry at him for not being here when my children were born, when our grandparents passed away, and even when I'm sitting around on a rainy Tuesday afternoon. I regret not loving him more when we were teenagers. I would give nearly anything to be able to watch his son grow up with my children. The hurt I feel inside can hardly be explained with words. I know he is alive and healthy and for this, I do thank God. I know he loves me and our family. I know what he is doing is very important work. But, I also know when my cell phone rings and I see his number on the screen, I will answer that call no matter what I am doing. And, although the conversation regularly ends with me being in tears, it is worth the accusatory glares I may be receiving. I know there is a lot of conversation these days about how bad social media and cell phones are for kids. But for military families and other people with relatives in a far off country, it is hard to imagine our life without them. I have recently been harsh with myself for thinking the worst of people. So next time I hear someone talking too loudly on their phone, I will just imagine they are talking to their brother and counting the days (or years) until they can see him again. 

~Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1